


Sleepless

by VoidWhereProhibited (Kattywompus)



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Polygrumps, Sleep Deprivation, Unrequited Barry/Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-26 04:39:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2638424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattywompus/pseuds/VoidWhereProhibited
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan can't sleep, and he hasn't been able to for months. How can he, with all of these thoughts in his head?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepless

**Author's Note:**

> My very first Grumps fic. It kind of got away from me! Since I'm pretty new to writing about the Grumps, I'm sorry for any mistakes in spelling, grammar, or worse, characterization. As with all stories of this type, I look liberties with the lives of real people. I mean no disrespect for any of the Grumps or their family members. I hope you enjoy!

Dan couldn’t sleep.

Insomnia was nothing new. He’d spent the majority of his twenties without a normal sleep schedule; staying up late, going to convenience stores with friends, driving around with shitty fast food, going dumpster diving at 4 am and sleeping past noon. The stress of school, of finding his place, of figuring out what to do with his life. Burning out, dealing with anxiety, laying up for hours, stricken by terror that his life would never go anywhere.

But this wasn’t insomnia. This was something else.

This was worse. This was dancing on the edge of sleep for what seemed like hours until his mind finally slipped into a state of relaxation, until his head was filled with waking dreams, the kind that you see so clearly until you try to remember them seconds later. Dan would lose himself in this mindless drifting until, suddenly, out of nowhere, he would hear a voice or see a face, and, gripped with a sudden urge, would sit up in bed, gasping for breath.

Some nights, he wouldn’t know what had happened. He would spring awake with a desire to text Arin, and, confused, roll over and try to sleep again. Sometimes, he would hear Arin’s laugh in his ear and feel a sudden ache to hear it again, in just that moment. Other nights, more nights than he cared to admit, Danny’s mind would drift to places he feared, places he didn’t like to admit existed, and he would spend the rest of his waking hours trying to fight it.

He could come up with countless excuses for why Arin would be on his mind. It was easier during recording season, those long stretches of time when they would Grump for fifteen hours straight, and text each other when they weren’t nearby. Those times when Arin felt more like a third limb than another person, just a piece of his life. He seeped in, him and Suzy, and they nestled their way in until it seemed strange when he didn’t tell them good morning when he woke up, or good night before he fell asleep. During these stretches, Dan reasoned that it only made sense that his friend had wormed his way into his mind.

**I** t was harder when they were apart. Not just because it started to seem strange to text each other every morning, but worse; because the distance seemed so easy. Considering how close they could be, Danny was sometimes surprised at how quickly the distance could squeeze into their lives, driving an uncomfortable wedge between them. It became less and less reasonable to assume that Arin filled his nighttime thoughts because they were so close. Sometimes, in the darkest of nights, Dan wondered if they even were.

If they were so close, why was it so easy for them to be apart?

So Danny told himself he was worried about their friendship, and that this urge to text his friend that he cared about him or to hear Arin’s laugh was just his trying to bridge that distance that grew between them when they were both busy. It would all go back to normal once they reconnected.

Only now here he was again, back in the heat of it. Everyone had managed to find some time, their schedules clicked, and they were back to Grumping. They recorded as often as possible and were even sketching out some ideas for Starbomb in their off hours. Dan sometimes felt lucky if he pulled himself away from all of it for even a day. One day to catch his breath and clear his head. One night to finally sleep.

But he couldn’t. Because against all logic, stupid things his friend had said kept swimming through his mind, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Arin was asleep right now or if he was also awake. He wondered if Suzy was there in bed holding him, or if he was playing games on the couch.

He didn’t know how it happened, but all of the sudden he was imagining Arin on the couch, 4 am, the only light from the street lamp outside and from the tv, and Dan there right next to him. He’s playing some SNES game, Mega Man 2 maybe, and failing miserably, and they’re both laughing, trying to keep their voices down because it’s so late and they don’t want to wake anyone up. Dan imagines getting more comfortable, laying down next to Arin and just watching him play as the near silent Mega Man music plays.

It was ridiculous, but Dan was becoming sleepy. Imagining how tired he would be in this situation was actually getting to him. He closed his eyes shut and tried to imagine all of the tiny details that would make it real for him. The scratchiness of the couch. The whir of the ceiling fan. The smell of Arin’s hair.

Before he knew it, Dan had drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Dan began Grumping with a new fervor. Now that he could sleep, at least a little, it was as though he had a new lease on life. He didn’t have to worry about coffee and bags under his eyes, or, most importantly, why he wasn’t able to sleep at all. He had a work around, and that was almost just as good as a cure.

At first, he only used it in extreme emergencies. It was a new tactic to approaching sleep, and he didn’t want to go and ruin it by using it too much. Most nights, if he crashed with Arin or if he’d been recording for an obscene amount of time, he didn’t even need to worry about it. A lot of the time, he’d be out the minute he hit the blankets.

But there were nights he needed it. Nights when he didn’t have the weight of exhaustion bearing down on him like an actual steam train. Nights away from Arin.

And he began imagining himself with Arin a lot.

He quickly learned that he could change the setting and time and it would work just as well. He could even tweak the exact scenario a bit, though go too far and it would shift from relaxing and sedative to distracting. Danny soon figured out which pieces were most important.

First, it had to be Arin and only Arin. Other people could be in the daydream at first, but if he wanted to fall asleep, it could only be with Arin alone. He tried it with all kinds of other people, from Barry to Suzy (who he honestly thought would work) but Arin being the main character seemed to be a pretty important feature.

Second, Arin had to be doing something mundane. Everyday. Anything too interesting, and Dan would start focusing on that, and he’d be up for hours. It helped if it was something that Dan associated with Arin, like drawing or playing games, but really it could be anything that was a part of his everyday life. Once, Dan fell asleep imagining Arin doing the dishes. It was bizarre, but that was the way it was.

And finally, and probably most importantly, Dan had to be allowed to fall asleep.

This seemed obvious, but the first time he imagined himself at Arin’s, he kept thinking about how he’d have to go home. It was an annoying little thing, nagging and annoying him and keeping him awake, until he finally had Arin tell him he could stay over. This wasn’t usually something that they layed out like that; usually, when it came to him staying over, if it happened, it happened, but for some reason, Dan’s subconscious needed that confirmation that he could relax. That Arin was okay with him sleeping there. Until then, he couldn’t truly get comfortable.

So Dan used it and tweaked it as needed. Some nights he would come home with a definite image in his mind of what he wanted. If he’d felt happy and safe while Arin was playing a specific game, or if he had some image of him stuck in his head; like the way Arin’s face looked in the light of the moon, or the sound of his laughter as he talked on the phone. Sometimes, he would just grab on to whichever seemed the most comforting at the time. For a while, he was stuck on the idea of napping in the middle of a hot summer afternoon, and he thought about rainy midnights for a whole month.

But like all good things, Dan’s sleepful spell had to come to an end, and it came abruptly one Thursday when Dan was saying goodbye to Arin for the weekend.

“So we’ve got that trip this weekend,” Arin had started, somewhat awkwardly. He stood kind of hunched, back hurting from hours of gaming, and ran his hand through his hair. “Me and Suzy. We won’t be around.”

“Totally. So I’ll see you next week?” Dan had asked.

“Yeah. We can get a good bit of time in, probably Monday? But I’ll text you,” Arin said, all business.

“Text me anyway, man. I want to see pictures!”

“Aw, man, it’s no big deal.”

“Well, whatever. If I don’t hear from you, then I won’t.” Dan grinned at Arin, but somehow, he didn’t totally feel it, and he wondered if Arin could see that his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Have a good trip?” he offered, opening his arms for a hug.

Arin grinned somewhat sheepishly and leaned in, embracing the taller man and patting him on the back a few times. He nodded.

“I will,” he said into Danny’s neck.

Dan felt the hairs on his body stand on end as the younger man pulled away from the hug. After they parted, he still felt as though his skin were on fire, and if anyone was to touch him, they’d get a jolt of electricity. His head buzzed for the rest of the evening, and he knew before he hit the bed that he’d have to make use of his little ritual.

Except that this time, it wasn’t working.

It was no use. No matter how he did it, he could no longer daydream his way to sleep. Arin on the couch, Arin at the computer, Arin on the floor. Dan just couldn’t seem to get comfortable. Everytime he imagined being near him, his thoughts went back to that hug, and the feeling of Arin’s breath on his neck. Imagining his friend so close pulled on something on his chest, something that pulled him involuntarily closer still. His stomach lurched, falling to his feet, and suddenly he recognized the creeping sensation flowing up from his toes. That feeling like lust.

Oh god no, he thought as he felt himself stiffen in his bed. No, no, no.

But it was too late. Now that he’d made the connection between Arin and sex, it could not be unmade. Every little piece of his weird relaxation fantasy went from calming and sleep inducing to strangely erotic, even things that wouldn’t normally turn him on. The darkness, their closeness, Arin’s laugh, his smell, the way he brushed up against Dan unconsciously when he was playing a game…

As imaginary Arin’s fingers grazed his leg while reaching for something, real life Dan’s cock gave a little jump and he groaned. Imaginary Arin took notice, and looked over at him.

“Are you okay, dude?” he asked. His voice was much lower and huskier than Real Arin’s would have been.

Dan didn’t care. It sounded hot. He reached down toward his boxers and pulled out his cock, already hard and sensitive. In his mind, Arin’s eyes flicked down towards Dan’s pants. Obviously, he wouldn’t be half naked in his fantasy.

Dan caught himself calling it a fantasy and shrugged it off. If he was going to do this, it didn’t really matter what he called it.

He imagined Arin’s surprise when he saw Dan’s erection, followed by his blush and, maybe, his own physical reaction. Dan started stroking his cock with his left hand, sighing a little.

He began to lose track of specifics. At some point he imagined Arin taking off Dan’s pants, an exceptionally hot moment that he played back in his head a couple of times before moving on to what might happen next. It seemed to jump around a lot. Dan didn’t have a lot of experience with gay sex, and he wasn’t sure exactly how it went.

But he knew exactly what he wanted to do with Arin.

He wanted to devour that loud little mouth of his, for one. He wanted to shut him up for just five fucking seconds, stop his constant noisemaking. He wanted to kiss him until his lips were bruised and he was panting from the heat of it. He wanted to silence him with his cock, pull on his hair and make him take it in his eager little mouth. He was go good with words and jokes… why not see what else he could do with his tongue?

But something seemed wrong. As much as Dan loved the idea of a good blowjob - and he fucking loved blowjobs - he wasn’t sure this is really how things would go down. Arin might be a petulant little brat, but Dan wondered if he could top him. They both had strong personalities, and he did usually take a backseat to Arin’s direction. He didn’t usually mind, either. He wondered if he’d mind taking a backseat in this, as well.

He tried it out, experimentally.

Arin kissing him?

Yes.

Arin on top of him, straddling his hips, pushing him down?

Oh, yes.

Arin pulling Dan’s hair?

******_Fuck_**.

Arin unzipping his pants, still on top of him, and forcing his dick, slick with precum, into Danny’s hand and mouth?

Dan couldn’t take it; he arched his hips and let out a gasping moan, cumming all over his hand and chest. He bit his lip and choked back a whimper. He hadn’t cum like that in ages.

After a couple of minutes of catching his breath and another for clean up, Dan rolled back over in his bed, sated and tired.

He fell asleep, but not before one last frightened, clear thought crossed his mind:

“I am so fucked.”

* * *

That was Thursday.

Friday, Dan woke up and managed to go most of the day without thinking about what had happened. He had stuff to do, and it kept him busy most of the morning and through the afternoon. As the evening approached, however, a sense of dread crept into the pit of his stomach and sat there, becoming heavier with each passing hour.

Finally, after putting it off with Youtube and an ill-advised midnight trip for some pizza and Skittles with Barry, Dan had to turn in. He crawled into his bed, sighing at the inevitability of it. In some part of his mind, he recognized the ridiculousness of being afraid to sleep. He wondered if all insomniacs dreaded the night the way he did.

He thought about using his relaxation technique, but the knot in his stomach tightened. No way was he going down that road again.

He didn’t sleep a wink.

Saturday passed in a blur Dan had started to recognize as Second Day Surrealism, the bizarre, dreamlike state of giddiness and extreme emotions that come with having stayed up for more than 24 hours. Danny got more done on Saturday than he had all week, working in an almost manic fervor. At some point, Arin texted him a picture. Dan responded with some words and a lot of exclamation points. He didn’t remember exactly what he said, but he said it with enthusiasm. He didn’t get a reply, but he tried not to let it bother him. Still, he didn’t torture himself by trying to go to sleep that night. He stayed up, writing half finished songs that made no sense. Finally, sometime around noon Sunday, he collapsed on the couch.

Danny woke up two hours later with a blanket wrapped around him and a pounding headache. He took an Asprin and chugged a Monster, disoriented by the afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows. Everything was so quiet. Dan filled the time by responding to texts and emails he’d missed during his sleepless binge. Eventually, Barry walked in.

“You have to get some sleep,” he said. No preamble. At least, Danny didn’t remember him saying anything else. Everything had started to go a little fuzzy. The lack of sleep and the Monster were waging war, creating a cocktail that seemed to put a halo around everything.

“I just got some,” he heard himself reply. He didn’t feel angry, but his response came out sharp.

“That’s not enough.”

“How do you even know?”

Dan wondered if his question quite made sense. He wanted to ask how Barry knew he hadn’t been sleeping. Had he been loud? Did he have bags under his eyes?

“I’ve been where you are before.”

“The couch?” Dan cracked a smile.

Barry didn’t laugh. He was serious. Even in his half-stupor, Dan could see that; he just didn’t know why. Insomnia wasn’t even uncommon in their circle. He’d seen Barry go just as long without sleep as he had. Danny stopped smiling.

_"_ And where is that?” he asked, seriously.

Barry raised his eyebrows.

Dan, in no mood for subtlety, raised his back.

“Look,” Barry said, delicately. “I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. I don’t know specifics, and I don’t need to. But I’ve seen everything you’re going through firsthand. And I’m here to stage an intervention and make sure you get some sleep.”

Dan was in no mood to argue. So he let Barry hoist him from the couch and pull him into his bedroom. He let Barry lead him to the bed, and he climbed in. He vaguely heard Barry complain about the state of his room, and made a token defense.

“You don’t even have any fucking curtains,” Barry replied easily.

“Did you just curse?” Dan asked from his place on the bed. “Did you just fucking curse about my furnishing habits, dude? I’m sorry I don’t have any fucking curtains.”

Barry turned around and sighed, his face caught between a laugh and a scowl and left the room. Dan blinked.

“I’m sorry!” he called out in a tired voice. “I didn’t mean it!” He sank his face into the pillow and fell into a trace, not quite asleep, but not awake.

A few minutes later, he heard Barry re-enter with some giant blankets and an old sheet. After a bit, his windows were totally covered by his new, makeshift curtains and his room was plunged into darkness. Dan closed his eyes.

His sleep was fitful and unrestful. The Monster was still coursing through his veins, and his waking dreams were disjointed and confusing. A couple of times, Dan had to sit up and shake all the thoughts out of his mind. It was as though every single thing he’d ever felt was trying to climb out of his brain all at once. At one point, Barry asked him if he wanted any dinner, but he declined. An hour later, he heard his phone going off. Barry answered. His ears pricked up when he heard his name.

A few minutes later, Barry opened the door to the dark room and stood in the doorway. His face was half lit from the light in the hallway.

“That was Arin,” he said.

Danny looked up, but he didn’t reply. Something in Barry’s face said he noticed that reaction, and he nodded his head forward.

“He said he won’t be able to make tomorrow’s recording sesh, but wants to reschedule to Tuesday for sure,” he said, looking down at his feet.

“Oh,” Danny said. He hoped he sounded like he didn’t care. However, he was pretty sure he sounded exactly how he felt: a strange mix of relieved and disappointed. “Cool.”

“I told him you can’t talk because you aren’t feeling well,” Barry continued.

Danny nodded.

“He told me to make sure I take care of you for him, and that you’d better get well by Tuesday, because he misses you.”

Dan nodded again.

_"_ Well… that’s all. Good night, Dan.”

“Night, Bare. Thanks for the message.”

Danny rolled over as the door closed. He stared at the dark wall for a moment, and thought about everything. He felt as though something important had just transpired, but he couldn’t wrap his head around it. His tired brain refused to work anymore.

The only thing he fully understood was what Barry had said. Arin wanted him to get better. Arin missed him. Danny let that thought fully envelop him, for once not worrying about that would mean. Finally, after two days of stress and anxiety, something released in his stomach and Danny managed to get some sleep.

* * *

In the end, he only slept six hours. He woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t force his eyes closed, so he got back to work.

When Barry chastised him in the morning, he argued that with the nap earlier in the day, he’d gotten a full eight hours, which was more than he usually got anyway.

He had cleared Monday for recording, but since it wasn’t happening, Dan had to fill his time in other ways. This was fine; he usually had a bunch of things he was putting off, so he worked through a bunch of them. He powered through it with a mix of denial, determination, and energy drinks. By the time bedtime rolled around, he was practically buzzing with caffeine. He didn’t want to sleep, but Barry wouldn’t stop giving him concerned looks until he went to bed. He faked a yawn and made a big deal of being tired, but Barry didn’t relent until he actually went into his room.

Once in his room, his only option was sleep or look at his phone. He browsed through his texts a bit - he hadn’t sent anything crazy when in his delirious, sleepless state, thank goodness - and posted on Twitter, but eventually he decided to try sleep.

When it didn’t come, he wondered how to fix it.

And his mind began to wander.

What had happened Thursday night… that wasn’t the only way to get to sleep now, was it? He hadn’t tried anything else, but something deep within him feared it. Not because of what he would have to do in order to sleep, but what it meant about his insomnia in the first place.

If that was what he had to do to go to sleep, then why couldn’t he sleep?

The question kept him up all night and fueled him until his Grumping session the next morning.

* * *

“Dude, that’s like, the third Monster you’ve had today,” Arin said, putting the controller down. They were alone in the Grump Room. They’d just finished a batch session of a new series. Dan had a good feeling about this one. Even though he’d been so tired, he and Arin had been on fire, bouncing off of each other perfectly.

He didn’t want to ruin that by just falling asleep in the middle, so he’d been chugging down the energy drinks pretty hard.

“You sure you want to start another one?” Arin asked, now gesturing to the fourth, unopened can on the table.

“Yeah, well, you know,” Dan said, searching for a response. He thought about joking, but he knew Arin would brush it off, maybe telling him to save it for the recording. In truth, he was too tired to come up with anything.

It was easier with the microphone on. The pressure pushed him in all the right ways.

Now, he only felt deflated. Used up. Like all the steam that had been keeping him up had suddenly been pulled out from under him, or… _wait, that didn’t even make any sense._ Danny blinked. He hoped he hadn’t been spouting nonsense like that while recording. How many hours of sleep was he even missing now?

“Yes?” Arin said, smiling. “What do I know?”

“I don’t know, dude,” Danny said with a sigh. He gave up. “I’m exhausted.”

In an instant, Arin’s face slipped from entertained to concerned.

“Yeah? How late did you stay up last night?” Arin asked.

Dan shrugged then said, “I didn’t.” When he saw Arin’s face he realized that didn’t make any sense. He ran his hand through his hair and tried again. “I mean, I never went to sleep.”

“Jeeeesus, dude,” Arin said. Instinctively, he mirrored Dan and ran his own hand through his hair. Danny thought for a second how soft his hair looked before he shook it off. When he returned to rational thought, Arin was saying, “Are you sure we should record?”

Dan waved his hand. “Oh yeah, man, totally. I’m fine. We’ve both gone without sleep before.”

“When we were recording,” Arin pointed out. “This isn’t the same. We’re only a few hours in.”

“I’m used to it.”

“Used to what?”

“Going without sleep.” Danny was now totally lost in the fizzy, surreal buzz of 30-something hours without sleep, and that mixed with the Monster he’d chugged was making him feel loopy. It felt like he had no filter, just saying whatever came to mind. “I haven’t slept well in months.”

“What?” Arin suddenly seemed to shift into full friend mode. “You’ve stayed up all night before?”

“Well, yeah.”

“I mean… is this a regular thing?” Arin was relentless.

“Noooo, no no,” Dan said. “I had insomnia, but I usually got six hours or so. Maybe less, but that’s all I needed. It wasn’t a big deal until I stayed up all night and Barry got mad.”

“Barry got mad?” Arin’s eyebrows shot up, and he looked slightly amused. “He was mad that you weren’t sleeping or something?”

“Yeah, man, I dunno!” Dan grinned, glad to finally have someone on his side about this. “He kept saying he’s ‘been there’ and like, I dunno. He made me get to sleep. He was really serious about it.”

“Wait, wait,” Arin said, realizing dawning on his face. “The other night, when you were sick?”

“I wasn’t sick. I was in bed. He was trying to make me sleep.”

“Make you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, like, he practically carried me to my room, and, like, he made me blinds to cover the sun and shit.”

“Whoa.”

“I know man, he’s crazy-go-nuts!” Danny said.

Arin didn’t seem to register what Dan had said. Instead, he seemed to be mulling over everything else. He looked kind of sad. Then, all of a sudden, he perked up.

“I think I’m gonna talk to him.”

“WHAT?” Dan cried. “Why?”

“I’m going to ask him how serious this is. Gimme a sec, I need to call him.” Arin leaned over and picked up his phone from the couchside table and started dialing. When Danny tried to protest, he put his finger up to his lips in a shushing motion. After half a minute, Barry answered.

“Hey, Bare!” Arin said, and he stood up, mostly to stop Dan from tackling the phone out of his hands. He gave Dan a look, one that was only slightly menacing, as he was making jokes with Barry. Without prompting, he walked into the hallway. Danny was tempted to follow him, but in the end he decided to wait. After all, Barry was only going to tell him that Dan hadn’t been sleeping well. No new information. Dan would tell Arin they could keep playing, and they’d record some more. And maybe when they were done, they would just hang out on the couch and chat. And maybe Dan would lay down, all snug in his usual little blanket that he wrapped himself in, and…

The slamming of a door snapped Dan out of his daydream. He sat up straight. He had almost fallen asleep right there on the couch. Not a good argument for his being totally awake.

“Barry says you’ve only had six hours of sleep in four days!” Arin said. His voice was raised, a hair below yelling. Dan stared at him in shock.

“Is that true?” Arin demanded, when Dan didn’t reply.

“Oh, uh… it’s really more like eight or ten… how does he even KNOW that?” Dan boggled for a moment. “Does that guy have super observational skills or something?”

Arin looked annoyed for a second, as though Dan’s confusion about Barry irritated him. Or maybe he was mad about how little Dan had slept. It was hard to tell. Dan waited for him to say something, but he only stood there, staring at him.

“Umm…”

“Four days?”

“Oh. It sounds like a lot when you say it like that… but I’m sure it’s more than that. Barry’s just letting his imagination run away or something.” Dan shrugged. “Barry’s wrong.”

Arin shook his head. “Barry’s not wrong.”

“Why not?”

“He’s just not. Not about you. Not about this.”

“Why not?”

“He’s just not, okay! I trust him on this!”

“Why? I want to know! Why did you call him? Why do you trust what he’s saying more than me?” Dan heard his voice slip into a petulant whine, but he couldn’t stop it. The caffeine was coursing through him, and his feeling were all bubbling up. “Why should you even care if I’m sleeping or not?”

****“Because I’m your friend.”

It hit Danny like a ton of bricks. In any other situation, it probably would have helped. Arin was his friend. He was his BEST friend, or one of them. One of the people closest to him in the world. And he was the best friend that anybody could have.

But that’s all he was. And knowing that filled Dan with something like loneliness.

Something about that feeling made him angry. He didn’t want it. It wasn’t fair. And suddenly, he was furious. He was angry that Arin couldn’t give him more, and he was angry at himself for being sad, for being angry, for being in love. All of that rage just boiled up, rising through him. He hadn’t been this mad since he was in high school. All of that hot anger just filled him up until it had nowhere else to go.

And then he exploded.

“Are you?” he yelled. “Are you my fucking friend? If you were, you wouldn’t be going around, calling fucking Barry and not just listening to me when I said I’m good to record!”

“Dude, Dan,” Arin started. He seemed upset by Danny’s anger, and he bristled. Dan thought he heard some defensiveness in his tone.

“What? Fucking what? You’re going to tell me to calm down, to, what… what, like, go to sleep? Like I haven’t been fucking trying for the last week or month or fucking year or whatever? You have no fucking idea!”

“Oh, I don’t?” Arin was angry now too, and he raised his voice to match the older man’s. “You say I’m not your friend, but what about YOU? You didn’t tell me about any of this! I could have been there for you. I was there for Barry when he was going through the exact same thing, and you didn’t even notice. Talk about having no fucking idea!”

“What the… why does everyone keep bringing up Barry? Who cares if Barry has ‘been here,’ I’m the one who’s here now!” Dan turned around, becoming hysterical. He ran his hands through his hair and stared at his feet. “I lay down at night and I can’t stop thinking, and I get nervous and now the only thing that used to make it all better just made it ten times worse!”

Arin didn’t say anything. When Dan turned back around, Arin was just staring right at him. He looked sad. It knocked him off his guard a little.

“I can’t even try to sleep now,” he continued. He wasn’t yelling anymore, his voice was lower, but there was an edge to it. A desperation he couldn’t keep out. “My fix was worse than not sleeping at all. If I lay down, and start… thinking about you again, I think I’ll…”

Suddenly, he couldn’t catch his breath.

The room started to spin, and the air was catching in his throat. He felt like his lungs had shrunk. He just… couldn’t… breathe…

“Dan!”

He heard Arin’s voice, and he felt the man’s hands support him as his legs buckled and he fell onto the couch. Everything was swimming and he could feel tears pricking at the sides of his eyes, stinging. His mind raced, but the thought he kept returning to was, “Damn it, I hope Arin doesn’t see me cry.”

But Arin was right there, one hand on his shoulders, one on his chest. He was focusing on something. He was doing something important. He said something. Dan spent the next few seconds trying to figure out what it was.

“Look at me, Dan,” Arin repeated.

He did. Arin was trying to convey something. He was saying something. Something else was happening, but when he looked at Arin, it seemed to melt away. He shuddered, and the tears started streaming down his face. Arin didn’t even seem to notice. Something about that relaxed him enough to listen to what the man was saying.

“Breathe,” he kept saying. “Breathe in…. there, yes, okay… now breathe out. Good. You’re okay, okay? You’re okay.”

And suddenly, he was. He could breathe again. The tears stopped, the tightness in his stomach released, and he let out a long, low sigh. He was exhausted.

He didn’t know how long they laid like that, Dan half propped against Arin, legs akimbo. Dan just lay there, eyes closed, matching the other man’s breathing. Arin seemed reluctant to move. Dan wondered if he thought he would have another attack if he did.

Suddenly, he was wracked with guilt about his friend; for yelling at him, for forcing him to help him during this time, for being irresponsible and chugging down Monsters and not going to his friend when he needed help. Everything Arin had said was right.

He pulled away.

“Are you okay?” Arin asked.

Dan thought about nodding, just lying, but he was too entrenched in guilt to do that. He shook his head.

“Do you want to go home?”

Another chance to lie.

Still, he couldn’t do it. Dan shook his head. He wanted to stay.

“Do you just want to stay here for right now? No one’s going to be in for a few more hours, and I can leave you alone--”

Dan, who had been nodding at the suggestion that he say, suddenly reached out and grabbed Arin’s shirt.

“Don’t go,” he said. His voice was low and husky, and it surprised him until he remembered he had been crying.

There was a significant silence.

Arin nodded. “Okay,” he said.

Dan nodded too, and unclenched his fist from around Arin’s shirt. He pulled back instinctively, pulling himself into a sort of upright fetal position. Arin shifted his spot on the couch, moving around pillows that he’d thrown out of the way when Dan was having his panic attack. After a bit of this, he turned back to Dan.

“Is there… shit, is there anything I can do? You want some water or something?” he asked.

Dan shook his head.

“A blanket?”

He shook his head again. His mop of hair flopped in front of his face.

“Is there ANYTHING I can do?” Arin asked, cracking a little smile. “I could probably find some--”

“Play a game,” Dan said, cutting him off.

“What?”

“I want to watch you play a game,” Dan said, louder. His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “I’ll just lay here and watch you play for a bit.” His voice was stronger, and he hoped he didn’t sound as needy as he felt.

“Oh,” Arin said. “Uh, sure, man. What game?”

Dan shrugged.

Arin walked over to the massive wall of games and started thumbing through them.

“Does it matter if we’ve played it before?” he asked.

“No,” Dan said. “Just play whatever you want. I just want to watch.”

Eventually, Arin settled on A Link to the Past. He popped it into the system and started it up.

“It’s still weird to me that blowing in the cartridge doesn’t help,” Arin said.

“I know!” Dan replied. “It’s like… the whole thing isn’t complete if I don’t blow into the cartridge. I don’t want to put it in.”

They laughed for a minute, and then the music started.

Arin sat on the floor in front of the couch, so Dan immediately laid down, settling in as the intro played.

They didn’t talk much as Arin played. Sometimes, Arin would make a silly remark about this or that, throw out a little bit of Zelda trivia that Dan might not know, but mostly it was quiet. It was a totally different feeling from Game Grumps, where they were having fun by being as loud and ridiculous as possible. The silence was comfortable. They both understood it.

But sometime around getting the first Pendant, Arin started to talk.

He talked about his weekend. He talked about the little mini vacation he and Suzy had gone on. It had been for work, but they have had a little bit of time to visit some places and have fun as well. He talked about how he and Suzy had both needed to get away for a bit, and how sometimes a change of scenery can be a good thing.

Dan listened.

Arin started talking about his own bad times. His own insomnia. It sounded different than Dan’s, he understood the isolation that it causes. He talked about a time in his life when he felt totally cut off from everyone around him, even those he cared about most.

“I know that it can be hard to value--” Arin was saying.

“Arin,” Dan said.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

Arin didn’t even ask why.

“Yeah,” he said, after a minute. “Me too.”

After that, the talk flowed easier.

Arin was going after the second pendant when he told Dan about how Suzy had gotten panic attacks before. About how he’d learned to recognize the symptoms and how to help. How scared he had been when he saw his friend worked up the way he had been.

“You ever have one before?” Arin asked.

“It’s been a while,” Danny said.

Finally, Danny got up the nerve to ask what had been worming through his mind for the past hour.

“What is all this about ‘Barry being here before?’ Did he have insomnia too?” Dan asked.

Arin sighed, and clicked at the controller a little harder than he might have otherwise. “I really can’t betray his trust,” he said. “If you don’t know, then I don’t want to say anything, you know?”

Dan nodded, then said, “Yeah, I get you.”

“But,” Arin went on, “I do think you deserve an explanation. I’ll tell you what I can.”

“Last year,” he said, “Barry… he got depressed.” He stopped Dan before he could say anything. “He hid it from everyone. Depression doesn’t always show. I think it was everything, you know… all of the changes.”

Dan nodded.

“He lost a lot of sleep. Before he got help, I think he was staying up for two or three days at a time.”

“Wow. I had no idea,” Dan said.

“No one did. He told me he would go into his room and just lay there until it was okay to get up again. Some nights, he’d be so exhausted, he’d pass out and manage to get some sleep. Otherwise…”

“Wow,” Dan said. After a minute, he asked, “So how do you know about this?”

Arin sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He looked at the game: he was in the middle of a dungeon. He paused it, bringing up the item menu, and turned around.

“I don’t know why Barry hasn’t told you all this himself,” he said. “He said he would. But I guess I get why he didn’t.”

“What?” Dan said. “What didn’t he tell me?”

“I found out about Barry’s problems when he called me. From the hospital.”

“What?!” Dan cried.

“Yeah. He was driving to my house on like two hours of sleep. He’d been awake for days. He fell asleep driving, and got into a wreck.”

“Oh my god.”

“It was fine. He drifted off the road and scraped his car up against the guard rail. But someone must have seen it happen, and when they got to him, he wouldn’t wake up. They thought something had happened, and called an ambulance.”

“So he called you,” Dan guessed.

“Eventually. The doctors made him sleep in the hospital overnight and gave him some fluids… he hadn’t been eating well, either, I guess. I was terrified. I made him promise to tell me everything. He did.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me this!” Dan said. “This happened a year ago? I should have known!”

“Not many people do,” Arin admitted. “I think he’s embarrassed. And he feels like all of it was caused by... “

“By?” Danny prompted.

“By his feelings for someone. He was... in love.” Arin looked away sheepishly.

“Oh, fuck.” Dan thought about that for a minute. “With who?”

“I’m not fucking telling,” Arin said, half indignant, half laughing. “I shouldn’t have even told you this much! But it ripped him up. He said he couldn’t sleep at night. He’d lay in bed and their face would just drift in and out of his head.”

Dan nodded. That felt all too familiar.

“So that’s it.”

Dan just sat there, flabbergasted. The room was eerily silent, except for the sound of the dungeon music playing from the TV. Dan sighed, a sadness settling into his chest.

“That does explain it all,” he said. “Wow. I can’t believe I got so mad about it. He was just looking out for me.”

“You didn’t know.”

“No, but still.”

“You were tired,” Arin protested.

“I still am.” Right as he said it, Dan let out a gigantic yawn. Arin watched, impressed.

When he was finished, Arin said, “I’m gonna go.”

“Why?” Dan asked. He felt a tiny twinge of panic and he hoped it wasn’t obvious to Arin.

“So you can sleep. All I’m doing is playing this silly game and keeping you up.”

“I can’t sleep if you’re not here,” he said. It scared him to say it, but there it was. It hung in the air, suspended, and for a second, Dan was afraid he was going to have another panic attack.

“You can’t?” Arin asked. There was something in his voice Dan couldn’t place. Like something had just clicked. He wasn’t looking for a yes or no.

“Just… please. Play the game. Even if I fall asleep?”

Arin thought about it for a minute, and then he nodded, turning back to the screen.

Dan snuggled back up on the couch, but he didn’t watch the screen. Instead, he saw Arin out of the corner of his eye and focused on him until his eyes were too heavy to keep open. After that, it only took him a few seconds to fade to black.

He slept for most of the day. He woke up once to Arin wandering around the Dark World. He might have asked where he was in the game, what he was doing, but he didn’t hear the answer. He was out again in just a few seconds.

A few hours later, he woke up to a dark room and Arin was gone. The blinds had been drawn and someone had wrapped a blanket around him. Again. The screen blinked with the Link to the Past item screen. It looked like Arin had been playing for a long time. He had half the crystals and a ton of items.

He heard voices from outside the door, and then someone shushing them. He thought he heard Suzy’s voice, then laughter, and then another loud, “SHHHH!”

The door opened and a sliver of light filled the room. Dan heard Arin struggle to close the door, and it fell into darkness again, but for a small light from the window and the illumination of the TV screen. Arin walked over to the couch and placed a big plate of sandwiches and chips down. Dan’s stomach did a flip. The Monsters were getting to him.

“Oh!” Arin said, when he saw Dan’s eyes open. “You’re awake! Did we wake you up? Barry said we might.”

Dan shook his head. “What is this?” he asked.

“I was grabbing some dinner,” Arin said. “I got enough for you in case you woke up. You were out for a while.”

They ate in silence, the only sound coming from the game. They finished the whole plate.

“Do you want more?” Arin asked, once they were done.

“Nah,” Dan said. The food had helped settle his stomach and he felt much better. He even said as much as Arin was picking up the controller to keep playing.

“Oh!” he said. He looked thoughtful for a second, and asked, “Do you want me to stop, and you can go home?”

“No!” Dan said, quickly. “No, this really helped. I mean, if that’s okay.”

Arin grinned. He looked relieved.

“It’s great,” he said, and started playing again.

Dan asked a little about the game; about where Arin was and what he was doing, but mostly they stayed quiet again. Danny kept thinking about how far Arin was, how he had kept playing even after Dan had fallen asleep.

It would be easy to assume that it was just because he liked the game. A Link to the Past was one of his favorites, and he probably would play it even if Dan wasn’t around. But he’d done what Dan asked, anyway. It didn’t matter why. That made Dan feel floaty and weird again, like when he hadn’t had any sleep.

At some point, Danny was snuggled deeply into the couch and Arin was leaning his back against the cushions and Dan could smell his hair, and Dan realized this was even better than his little daydreams. It didn’t even scare him the way he thought it would. He let out a sigh, just the smallest breath of air, but it blew Arin’s hair a bit and caused the younger man to glance back at him.

Their eyes met for a second, and Dan felt a blush creep all the way up his neck and to his hairline. As he burned, he heard himself whisper, “Sorry.”

Arin nodded, then whispered back, “It’s fine…”

The air between them was so thick, Dan thought he’d have another panic attack, and he had to wrench his eyes away. He looked at the screen and started making conversation, his heart pounding in his ears.

They played the rest of the night. Arin knew this game backwards, and he only got stuck in a  few places. Still, it was well after midnight by the time Ganon was destroyed and peace returned to the land. Dan was exhausted. He wished he’d fallen back to sleep. Arin probably wouldn’t have woken him up, and that way, he wouldn’t have to leave.

**"** So,” Arin said in the darkness.

“So,” Dan parroted. He grinned, but he didn’t know he Arin could even see it.

“You’re not asleep.”

“I’m not.”

“Do you… I mean. I’m just going to stay here tonight. I already told everyone I was. At least, if you are.”

“What?” Dan asked, laughing. “Make less sense, Arin.”

“I’m asking if you want to stay here tonight, poopmunch,” Arin retorted. “You won’t have to be alone. I don’t know if the idea of going back home is too much for you. Right now.” He spoke in halting, broken sentences, but Dan got the idea.

“Sounds good to me,” Dan replied. He let his relief shine through. “I really wanted to stay.”

“Cool.” Arin’s nervousness broke, and he grinned. Dan could tell by his voice, even without seeing his face. God, had he really gotten that bad?

They considered other games: the were both so ramped up by the idea of a sleepover that they couldn’t even think of sleeping. Once they finally had one settled, though, they both realized how tired they were.

“Move over,” Arin said. Dan pulled his feet out of the way and let Arin onto the couch with him. For a minute, Dan thought that was too close to bear, but it ended up relaxing him even more. Pretty soon, he had fallen asleep again.

When he woke up, it was dark. The tv was off, and Arin was asleep, leaning against Dan’s legs. His heart jumped into his throat.

After everything that had happened today, he’d thought he would be better about sleeping. While Arin played Zelda, he had fully imagined going back to having a totally normal sleep schedule. He felt like he’d gotten everything bad and toxic out. He was able to enjoy being around Arin, and everything was fine. It was like the past weekend had never happened.

Except that now, here was Arin, a breath away from laying on him completely, and Dan wasn’t sure he’d ever get back to normal.

“Dan?” Arin asked.

Dan sat up in surprise. He’d thought his friend was asleep.

“Yeah?”

“Earlier, you said something… I wasn’t going to ask, but I have to know.” His voice was low, so quiet that if anyone else had been in the room, they might not have heard him at all.

“What did I say?”

“You said you can’t start… ‘thinking about me again.’”

Dan felt his blood run cold.

“When did I say that?” he asked.

“Right before you started…” Arin gestured at the air feebly, and Dan understood. Before his panic attack.

“I don’t know, I was just…”

He couldn’t think of anything to say. He’d thought he’d made it out unscathed, but he must have let more slip than he thought.

So he decided to be honest.

He told Arin everything. Or, most of it. He started with six months before, when his insomnia had come back, and ended with the week before. He didn’t mention why he’d stopped daydreaming. He only told him that it had stopped working.

Arin was mostly quiet while he listened. Dan was grateful for that. It was embarrassing enough to explain all of this without Arin making jokes the whole time.

He did have to explain himself a little bit, though. He’d tried to breeze past specifics, originally. “I started daydreaming about falling asleep around you,” he’d said, but Arin had asked for clarification. Since it was kind of weird to begin with, he’d been forced to give examples. He decided to give a couple vague ones.

“You know, like… you’re doing dishes in the other room, or reading on the end of the couch…”

“...Or playing a video game?” Arin asked, softly.

Dan had never realized how connected emotions are to biology until that moment. His heart stopped, and his stomach dropped, and his face flushed and his head went fuzzy and all of the sudden he wasn’t even sure if he was a person anymore.

“Yeah,” he managed to squeak out. “Or that. I mean, usually that. That’s… that’s my favorite.”

He waited for the silence to break. It stretched on, and Dan could feel his embarrassment rising, his head filled with thoughts of how ridiculous this all was.

“Yeah man,” Arin said. “I get it.”

And that was it. Arin got it. Dan blinked.

“You do?” he asked, surprised.

“Yeah. Everyone has something. Like counting cows.”

“Cows?”

Arin laughed. “Shit. I mean, sheep. Whatever.”

Dan laughed too. “If you count cows, I’m not going to judge. I mentally fall asleep on my best friend’s couch.”

And that broke the tension. They were able to laugh about it now. The heavy pressure in the room seemed to let up, and everything was back to normal.

So why was Dan a little disappointed?

He was glad that Arin had understood. It was a weird thing, and he didn’t want his friend to judge him for it. But thinking about it, why should he judge him? It was just a silly bedtime ritual. Like Arin said, everyone had something, and there were certainly weirder ways to fall asleep than finding your happy place. It’s just that his happy place happened to be with Arin.

It happened to **BE** Arin.

And Dan let himself think about what he’d been trying to ignore for six months, what he had buried deep. The implications he had pushed down inside when he imagined being near Arin, imagined being with Arin. What he had come so close to before he had his panic attack.

Thinking of Arin was so shameful to him, and only him, because only he knew what it meant.

He was in love with Arin. Real, true love, some deep kind of actual love. Not just lust, which he felt, not just attraction, not just that little thrill of flirting or physical contact. He liked Arin, and he wanted Arin, yes. But more than all of that, he loved him.

He’d always loved him. Dan trusted Arin with his life. He’d do anything for him. And he didn’t feel home when he wasn’t near him. But… that was the kind of love you’re supposed to feel for your soulmate or something, right? So when was it that the love he felt for a best friend had twisted into something else?

He pulled the blanket up to his chin and tried to make out Arin’s figure in the dark. He’d been quiet for a while; had he fallen asleep?

“Dan.”

Dan started again and smiled.

“Jesus christ, man,” he said with a chuckle. “You keep doing that.”

“Dan,” Arin continued, ignoring him, “did you ever wonder why you thought about me?”

Dan’s heart stopped. He couldn’t speak.

“Not in general, but like… me, specifically. And no one else. Because I think I might have an idea why.”

Arin had sat up on the other side of the couch. Danny pulled his legs back, folding them under himself. Arin probably didn’t want to be near him.

“Well…” Danny started. He didn’t know how to finish. “I’m… not sure. I think I have an idea too, though.”

Danny’s heart was beating a mile a minute, like it was trying to make up for stopping on him before.

“Did you ever think of… anything else?” Arin asked. His voice was thin and hard to read. Dan wished he could tell where he was going with this.

“Like what?” he asked, faking nonchalance.

“Like… you said couch.”

“What?” Dan asked, baffled. He’d expected Arin to hone in on what he had done Thursday night. The question about couches totally threw him. “When did I say couch?”

“You said… you fall asleep on my couch.”

“And?” Dan started to piece it together.

“Did you ever imagine being anywhere else?”

Dan thought about it for a second.

“Well… no,” he said, honestly. “Like where?”

“Like... “ He felt Arin shift uncomfortably. He pulled his legs back even further, curled into a tiny corner on the couch. He could vaguely see Arin’s shape, sitting up, silhouetted against the little light that was making its way into the room. He covered his face with his hands. “Like my bed?” he asked in a muffled voice.

Dan was a little confused, but tried to remain cool. Why would Arin be asking this? Why would he possibly want to know the answer? Didn’t he know this would ruin everything? “No,” he said.

The silence stretched across eternity as both waited for the other to speak.

“Oh---” Arin finally started, after the longest minute in history.

“But I might have,” Dan interrupted. Arin looked up. “Given enough time. I might have… gotten there. Eventually.”

He immediately regretted it. He thought about trying to play it off as a joke. Hey man, just kidding, I was just going with what you were saying. Because you were joking too, right? Because I didn’t get the joke? Because I’m sleep deprived and madly in love with you and I can barely see straight?

And then, without warning, Arin leaned across the couch and pressed his lips to Dan’s.

Dan gasped, a surge of something like electricity filling his veins, and he pulled back.

“What--”

“Is this okay?” Arin asked, climbing over the middle couch cushions to get closer.

“Is what okay?”

“I want to kiss you.” Arin looked at him, matter of factly. He sounded confident, but on closer inspection, Dan saw he was terrified. His eyes were wide. He looked about as frightened as Dan felt. For some reason, that calmed him.

“Yes,” he breathed, before leaning in and closing the gap between their lips himself.

It was better than he had imagined. Arin wasn’t forceful or submissive. Dan had wondered what kissing a man would be like - doesn’t everyone? - but it was a lot like kissing anyone else. Except that Arin was very, very good at it. He never stopped. He pushed and pulled and bit and sucked, and he kept moving his hands around; caressing Danny’s neck, playing with Danny’s hair, gripping Danny’s side. But it never felt like too much. It was all Arin: the same energy that he put into everything he did, from drawing to game commentary, only this time, it was all focused on Dan.

And Dan just couldn’t keep it in. He kissed back, vigorously, more real passion than he’d felt in a long time. He took people to bed all the time. He liked to think he was good at it. He strived to make his partners feel sexy and good, and he enjoyed every second of it.

But it had been years since he’d kissed someone because he needed to.

And he needed to. He needed Arin’s lips the way he needed oxygen, and the way it felt so natural, so god damn right, it just made it easier to breathe the other man in. He thought of nothing else, lost in a sea of Arin’s lips and the smell of his hair.

And suddenly, Arin kissed his neck and he arched his back, and without realizing it, he was whispering, “Oh god, Arin, I fucking love you,” and everything stopped.

Arin pulled back. His eyes were wide and his face was a twisted mess. Danny felt his heart drop out of his chest. He’d fucked it up.

“This isn’t right,” Arin said. He opened his mouth to say more, but Danny interrupted. He didn’t think he could hear it.

“I know,” he said. “I know. It’s weird. We’re best friends, and we’re both dudes, and even if we weren’t, you have Suzy…”

“No, I mean… I fucked it up,” Arin said, jumping in.

“No, I did!” Dan protested, cutting him off again. “I never should have said it was okay for you to kiss me. I never should have told you I might think about your bed, I never should have told you any of this at all…”

“Dan!” Arin’s voice was raised, but not angry. “Stop. I’m trying to…” He put his face into his hands and sighed. “Okay. I’m bad at this. I’ve never really done it before.”

“Done what?” Dan asked, confused. “Turned down a dude?”

“No one is getting turned down!” Arin said, sounding incredulous. “At least, you’re not. Who knows, though. Depending on how this goes, I might.”

“Arin, what are you even talking about?” Dan was totally lost.

“Okay. Dan. You said… you said you love me.” Arin finished the sentence like he was unsure, as though the words were glass, and saying anything might break them.

Dan nodded.

“Well… I love you too.” He took a deep breath and waited for the words to sink in. He looked up and studied Dan’s face.”I have for a while. I don’t know when it happened, but I do know when I realized it.

He turned on the couch so that he could sit crosslegged, an act than Dan found totally endearing, even as he waited on eggshells to hear what was next.

“It was ages ago. Suzy and I had this… this big fight. She was jealous. Well, not really, that’s not fair. She was mad that I wasn’t being honest with her. Honest about… how I feel. About you.” He sighed and started talking again. “I kept saying she was crazy - which really doesn’t help, by the way - until one night, she was so tired of it, she made me sleep on the couch. That night, I was so mad that I called you. You and I talked for hours, and when I got off the phone… you were all I could think about. And I was like… well, shit. My wife’s right!”

They both chuckled for a minute, but it ended quickly. They were both too nervous to find anything very funny.

“After that, I was terrified. I loved someone else, and my wife knew about knew about it. I felt like the worst fucking person on the planet. I love my wife, you know? I felt horrible for betraying her, especially without realizing it. I went back to the bedroom, and apologized. We talked all night… Suzy is amazing. She told me she knew I didn’t do it on purpose. That owning me was never part of our relationship. That I have enough love to give to… to both of you.”

Arin looked down, and Dan saw that he was shaking. He thought about reaching out, but he was too scared himself. What was Arin saying?

“She and I have always had a weird relationship. She’s not very sexual. She can get into it sometimes… like, really into it. She has the stuff she likes. But most of the time, we’re not doing much of anything. And that’s been fine. We agreed early on that I could be fine with that. She had even told me, a long time ago, I could see other women. For, you know…”

Dan could practically feel his blush radiating from where he sat.

“I never took that option. I love Suzy. She’s always been enough. But, that night, she told me not to think of her as ‘enough.’ She said… she said that love isn’t something that fills you up, there’s no magical cup inside of each person that other people can fill. She said love is something that grows the more you tend it, like a garden. She said… if I wanted… I could have you.”

Arin sighed and stopped talking. For a minute, Dan sat there, waiting for the rest, before he realized there was no more. Arin was done.

“So… what? Like, some kind of one night stand?” Dan asked.

Arin shook his head, and then shrugged. “No. I mean, maybe, if that’s all you want. I know I want more, but if you’re not comfortable with that…”

“What more?” Dan asked. His heartbeat was increasing again.

“Like… I don’t know. Doing stuff together. Playing games. Hanging out, but with like… more kissing. And holding hands. Maybe some fucking, if we like it.”

“So… dating?” Dan felt a smile stretch across his face of its own volition. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Yeah, I guess so. Dating, only I’d be married to Suzy. Is that too weird?”

Dan shook his head fervently. “No! No, I don’t think so. It’s basically what we’re doing already, only with tongue.” His smile grew, if possible, even wider. He suddenly felt it should be criminal to be this happy. “And… you’re sure Suzy’s okay with this?”

“Yeah, man. I’m not pulling one over on your guys. I mean, you might want to talk to her about it, so you guys are cool, but she’s really fine with it.” Arin started to laugh. “In fact, when I asked if it would be cool if I stayed with you tonight, she asked if I was going to kiss you. She was the one who said that this all might be because you had… you know, feelings for me.”

Dan laughed appreciatively. “What, really? God bless Suzy!”

“Yeah!” Arin said. He was grinning, Dan realized. He could see him. The sun was peeking in through the window blinds. It was almost dawn. “She did me to make sure it was okay to kiss you before I did it, though. I kind of messed that up.”

“I don’t think so,” Dan said. He studied Arin’s face smiling face. Finally, when he couldn’t stand it anymore, he leaned forward and kissed him.

The rest of the night was spent alternating kissing and talking, and they barely noticed when the run rose all the way. They briefly played with the idea of laying down on the couch together, but neither of them really had any interest in sleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what you thought, and please tell me about any spelling or grammatical errors in the comments!


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